Pregnancy is often described as one of the most beautiful and transformative journeys a
woman can experience. For me, it was a time of immense joy and anticipation. My husband
and I spent countless hours imagining the future with our baby and feeling the excitement of
each tiny kick. Our hearts were full of love and hope as we counted down the weeks to meet
our little Kiaan.
As we approached 37 weeks, everything seemed perfect. Our routine check-ups had gone
smoothly, and we were eagerly preparing for the arrival of our baby boy Kiaan. I remember
feeling a profound connection to the life growing inside me, a bond that deepened every day. We were in bliss, surrounded by the warmth and support of family and friends.
Then, in an instant, our world was shattered. I noticed on a Saturday night (2 days after
having another successful check-up with the doctor and listening to the heartbeat of our
baby) that I didn’t feel any movement which was unusual for the nighttime. Usually, during
the day, I would not feel many movements but at night my little Kiaan would be so active,
moving, making me feel every movement. To our unfortunate surprise, this night was
different. At first, I brushed it off, convincing myself everything was fine. But as one hour
passed, our worry grew. We decided to go to the hospital at midnight, hoping for some
reassurance. Instead, we received the devastating news that they couldn’t find our Kiaan’s
heart beat. The nurses' words hit us like an avalanche, the shock and disbelief were
overwhelming. So many questions going on in mind- How could this happen so late in the
pregnancy? Why did it happen to us? Could we have done something to avoid it?
The days that followed were a blur of grief and pain. Delivering our stillborn baby was the
hardest thing I have ever done. On August 21st, 2023, after going through artificially
induced labour and struggling with the devastating news, I was so happy to finally hold him
in my arms. He was a beautiful boy 47 cm long, weighing a little over 6 pounds, with a head
full of curly hair just like mine, nose that looked like mine, and long fingers just like his dad’s.
This feeling of immense joy and pride of finally meeting our little was simultaneously
overpowered by the harsh reality. This is the first and last day of holding him, touching him,
seeing him and feeling him so close. We won’t be able to take him home, won’t be able to
see him grow. The emptiness that followed was suffocating. Instead of bringing him home,
we left the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts. From spending so much time
finalising the car seat for him to watching him being taken away from us in a box was
devastating. The room back home with a crib, bassinet, and change table, once a place of
joy and anticipation, became a painful reminder of what we had lost.
Coping with this huge loss was and still is incredibly difficult for both me and my husband.
We found ourselves navigating a sea of emotions—sadness, shock, anger, guilt, and
confusion. It felt like the world had moved on, but we were stuck in a place of deep sorrow.
Every baby, every pregnant woman we saw, every little boy playing with his parents brings
back his memories that feel like a dagger to the heart. We grieved not only for our baby but
for the future we had envisioned, for the time that we won't be able to spend with him, every
birthday, graduation, and every little moment that we were going to cherish with him.
Support from loved ones was crucial, yet there were times when even the kindest words felt
hollow. Well-meaning phrases like "everything happens for a reason", “he is in a good place”, “just forget what happened and focus on your mental and physical health now”, or "you can try again" often intensified the pain. What we needed most was acknowledgment of our loss, the space to grieve, and the understanding that healing is a slow and deeply personal process.
My husband and I leaned on each other more than ever. We allowed ourselves to cry, to talk
about our baby, and to honour his memory in our way. We sought support from professional
counsellors who specialise in pregnancy loss, which helped us navigate the complex
emotions and find a path forward. We learned that it's okay to grieve differently and at our
own pace.
In time, we found little ways to heal. We created a memory box with ultrasound photos, a
lock of hair, his first blanket, a teddy bear that we used to announce the pregnancy, his
beautiful hand and footprints. We put a pinwheel and butterflies at his marker and on our
patio as a way of communicating and honouring our baby. These acts of remembrance
provided a sense of peace and connection, helping us to move forward while still honouring
our baby's brief but impactful existence.
The journey of pregnancy had been beautiful, filled with love and joy. The sudden shift to loss and grief was devastating, but it also taught us the depths of our strength and the power of love and support.
While the pain of losing our baby will always be a part of us, so too will
the love and joy we felt during those precious months of pregnancy.
We continue to honour our beloved Kiaan's memory and find ways to integrate his presence
into our lives. Our experience has made us more compassionate, more resilient, and more
grateful for the moments of joy that life brings. Though our journey took an unexpected and
heartbreaking turn, it has shaped us in profound ways, and we carry our Kiaan's memory
with us, always.
As his first heavenly birthday was approaching, the pain of his absence felt even more
profound. We decided to write this to honor our beloved Kiaan on what would have been his
first birthday, and to remember the joy he brought into our lives, even in his brief time with
us. We wanted to share our story as a way of keeping his memory alive and to find comfort
in knowing that his presence is still felt, even though he is no longer with us in this physical
world. Our experience has made us more compassionate, more resilient, and more grateful
for the moments of joy that life brings. Though our journey took an unexpected and
heartbreaking turn, it has shaped us in profound ways, and we carry our Kiaan's memory
with us, always.
We will miss and love you forever Kiaan! Happy First Heavenly Birthday!❤️
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